"I shouldn’t write this to you, to be honest I’m just writing this & I don’t even know if I’ll send it to you, but if you’re reading this then I obviously sent it. I wish I could’ve said all this in person, but you know I’m a quiet person, I can never find the right words until it’s all said & done, & no matter what words I choose in whatever arrangement I align them in, I can never find the breath to say them to you. I wish I could relive the past several months just to be back in the moment again & maybe that’s why I keep wanting to just see you & spend time with you because I want to live in that moment just a little bit longer. I was never ready to let that go. I’m still not ready to let any of that go. I also know that I can’t have that anymore. Sometimes i feel like all the things I want to say to you are the last words cause I literally empty myself to you, & since I’m not the same person I was yesterday, those words never end. I have nothing to say when I’m with you because when I look at you, I forget everything, I can’t remember the pain I was feeling or the sadness that has been sitting in my chest. I forget why we even decide to see each other after everything, I get so lost in you, & the crazy part of me thinks that I can have it all. I don’t know what to do when I’m with you, when it hurts, I cry, when it feels good I laugh & I smile, I can’t help but act the way I feel & I’m sorry that I get so caught up every single time even when I tell myself to never do that again.
I’m sorry a billion times, & I forgive you a million times. For all that you did, for all that you didn’t do, I forgive you.
I have never been so affectionate, so deeply intertwined with another other than you & all the things I got used to, all the things I knew from being with you, I need to forget & I need to unlearn them. Whether this is the end or not, I know we need to say it’s the end, & I know it was real because it hurts like hell. I can’t be angry at you for the way things are because I can’t help but smile about everything & that’s what hurts the most - I can’t say you’re the worst because you’re the best thing that ever happened to me. You’re right when you said when someone comes into your life & you just know they’re meant to stay forever. You gave me the best spring, the best summer, everything you are, everything you have done for me, I will never ever forget, I will always be grateful for you. When you kiss me, it feels like you’re telling me everything that can’t be put into words; when you’re laying with me, it feels like I’m somehow in heaven; your fingers fit in the spaces between mine, your body feels right when it’s next to me; when you look at me, I just want time to stop because I could look at you looking at me that way forever. The best kind of people are the ones who come into life just for a little while, but they make it feel like it’s forever, they make you yearn for more, they make you feel like thunder & fire & hurricanes, they make you want to be a better person, & they make you want to believe in yourself because they believe so much in you. With my dreams in mind & in heart, I know that you’re someone I could never forget or completely let go of no matter how hard I tried, & I hope it’s the same for you. I wish I could hug you one more time before I leave this behind, I wish you could just kiss me & tell me everything’s going to be okay. I wish time didn’t have to be so sensitive, I wish distance didn’t have to be so selfish, I wish we were more mature for this & maybe that’s why it’s for the best. So much has changed, & your answer to what you asked me earlier when you asked why I was crying, is that I was crying because we changed, & not because things are different, not because we have to go our separate ways, but because even though all that happened & so much changed, I still laid in bed & I still get so lost in you, I keep feeling what I feel you & that’s why I was crying because I know that I can’t feel that way & now I have to learn to fight it.
When I first met you, I didn’t know what I was getting myself into, I had no expectations, nothing in mind, nothing in heart, but you’ve left me with so much, so many feelings, so many memories, & just as I came, I know that leaving empty-handed is the best. I never needed heartbreaks, or feelings, or memories, or any of the details that we became to entailed in, but between the lines, you gave me affection, attention, & you made me feel like someone cared & that someone wanted me, & that is more than what I could have ever asked for.
I hope this year & season treats you well, I know that when I hear of your school or you, I’ll always root for you. If we fall out of touch, know that I always wish you luck before games, I always know you played your heart out no matter what the outcome, whatever happens in your career, I am always cheering you on from wherever I am, don’t ever forget that. & throughout the years & your career, I hope you find love, I hope you find peace with life, I hope you find success, I hope you find a safe-haven, & I hope you find everything you’ve ever wished for because there isn’t a day where I don’t wish the world for you because you deserve it & I only hope that someone will make you feel like the sun is shining a little bit brighter & like there are more stars in the sky because you did that for me & I just hope someone like that comes into your life & makes you want to love so much, so recklessly, so relentlessly.
I hate goodbyes, I suck at it.
I wish I could have said this all to you in person, but I couldn’t & I can’t because every time we go our separate ways, it’s always see you soon, & never goodbye.
But right now, it’s goodbye, & for us, whatever we are, it’s always until a different time in a different place.
No matter what my novels to you say, if it’s from me to you, it always comes from the bottom of my heart, & it’s always always always sealed with a kiss.
I hate that feeling when you’re not necessarily sad, but you just feel really empty and every little thing gets to you and everyone that talks to you makes you angry and you want to punch everyone in the face